(via Getty)
The past few weeks have been a trying time to be an MMA fan, with random drug tests nailing Anderson Silva (smh), Hector Lombard (could have seen it coming), and Jon Fitch (wah?!) for various types of performance enhancers. MMA has always had something of a drug problem, but 2015 has brought that issue to the forefront with a resounding injection to the buttocks. Worse yet, the UFC’s decision to recently abandon their out-of-competition drug testing program indicates that the sport’s steroid epidemic will only get worse before it gets better.
The question now becomes: Where do we go from here? Well, I’ve talked it over with my highly-dedicated blogging team of less than two people, and the best thing we could think of was to lob a bunch of biased and completely ungrounded accusations at the select group of MMA fighters who’ve yet to test positive for anabolic steroids. F*ck yeah, internet writing!
So without further adieu, join us as we take a look ahead at the hulked-out future of mixed martial arts, and more specifically, which of its fighters will most likely be popped for PED’s.
The Usual Suspects
Remember how I just said that we would only focus on fighters who *hadn’t* tested positive for steroids before? I lied.
The fact is, Belfort has pissed hot in the past — for 4-hydroxytestosterone following his fight with Dan Henderson at Pride 32 — and experienced a highly suspect career resurgence after jumping on the TRT train back in 2013. Although Belfort has vehemently denied abusing TRT and stated that he only used it to maintain normal testosterone levels, he also managed to transition off the therapy almost seamlessly in the time since. With his title shot against Chris Weidman having been pushed off half a dozen times now, #TheTimeIsRunningOut on Belfort’s vitality as a top-level fighter. If he’s resorted to the juice in the past, our guess is that he’d be willing to do it again.
Like Belfort, “Feijao” has also tested positive for steroids in the past. In his final Strikeforce appearance, Cavalcante tested positive for stanozolol following his first rounds submission win over Mike Kyle. He was punished for this by being signed by the UFC. Cavalcante has also dropped two out of his past three UFC fights, meaning that he is in dire need of a win if he is to continue fighting for the Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League. So what’s he supposed to do? *Not* take steroids, lose his next fight, and receive his pink slip, or take steroids, win the fight, and apologize afterward as a still-current UFC employee? The solution is obvious.
You Know What, Every Black House Fighter
Here’s what we know: Three Black House fighters have tested positive for steroids in the past seven months. The man pictured above is their strength and conditioning coach. He is 57 years old.
The Questionable Physiques
Just look at that cartoonishly shaped torso. Phil Davis is sculpted like a Greek statue, and we don’t buy for a second that he achieved it naturally. “Mr. Wonderful?” More like “Mr. ROID-derful.” #NailedIt
No further comment required.
Not only is Thiago Alves the buffest welterweight of all time, but in his most recent fight, he dispatched Jordan Mein — a kickboxer since age 11 — with ONE KICK. How’d he do it? Roids. The answer is clearly roids.
According to our diligent research, this photo of Mirko Cro Cop was taken last week and has not been altered in any way, shape, or form. Expect to hear word of his positive test shortly after he dispatches Gabe Gonzaga via nuclear holocaust in April.
Cheick Kongo has pectorals the size of dinner plates and a history of using dirty tactics to win fights. By that logic, why *wouldn’t* he resort to the dirtiest tactic of all to win a few more? Daddy needs all those Bellator dollars to support his crippling addiction to Rocky Mountain oysters.
On the “next page” we take aim at some of the sport’s champions, as well as some of the less obvious (but totally obvious to us) roid heads currently slipping under the radar…
The Champions
A little over a year ago, TJ Dillashaw was a middle-of-the-pack (but promising) bantamweight contender who held victories over Mike Easton and no one else of note. Now, he’s the man who dethroned Renan Barao to claim pound-for-pound GOAT status according to the completely unbiased Dana White. A classic tale of hard work paying off, or an Armstrong-ian controversy in the making? We can’t say for sure, but it’s definitely the latter.
Look, we don’t like saying this anymore than you like hearing it, but if Anderson Silva is fair game, then so is everyone else. Jose Aldo is Brazilian, has trained at Black House, and is undefeated since 2005. That’s three strikes as far as we’re concerned. Plus, Aldo clawed his way out of extreme poverty to become the moderately paid champion he is today, which means that he’d be willing to do anything to make sure that he is never put in the same position again. In this case, anything = drostanolone or something like it.
This is perhaps the most obvious case of them all. WSOF welterweight champion Rousimar Palhares has tested positive for elevated testosterone in the past — following his first round KO loss to fellow juicer Hector Lombard at the TUF Smashes Finale. He’s also prone to bouts of uncontrollable rage (see above, and also every submission victory he attained while in the UFC/WSOF) and has a physique best described as “burly.” It’s only a matter of time before he is stripped of his WSOF belt amidst a PED controversy and immediately signed by Bellator.
The Unassuming Juicers
Again, the key here is in Leites’ resurgence, and more specifically, the method by which he has rose back to prominence. It was widely understood that Leites was suffering from the early stages of MS when he fought Anderson Silva, hence his body’s complete muscular shutdown each and every time he hit the canvas. Since returning to the UFC, however, Leites has looked less like Tiny Tim and more like Chuck Liddell circa 2005, knocking out two of the three challengers he has faced. What is one of the primary treatments for combatting MS? That’s right, steroids.
Isn’t it obvious? Cerrone has fought approximately 32 times in the past year and hasn’t lost even the slightest pep in his step from doing so. He can try and sell us on the Cowboy act all he wants, but we all really know what’s really going on. There’s a little something extra in those Budweisers he’s constantly slinging back, otherwise he would not be drinking such schwill in the first place.
Royston Wee
When Royston Wee was signed by the UFC last year, we wrote a lengthy and completely rational diatribe about the death of “UFC-caliber” fighters. Royston had not competed in nearly three years and held only 2 professional victories over sub-subpar competition before that, we pointed out, and was quite possibly the least experienced fighter to ever be signed by the UFC prior to CM Punk. Yet here he is a year later, having picked up back-to-back wins and looking like a goddamn beast while doing so. Were we wrong in our dismissal of Wee, and perhaps even a little bitter?
No. Royston Wee is a juicer — a 135-pound, genetically-modified freak who was brought in to the UFC to expand the promotion’s reach in Southeast Asian markets. Any other attempt to explain his success is pure lunacy.
So there you have it, the grim and 100% accurate future of steroids in our once respectable sport. Then again, the UFC is planning to hold a press conferenceregarding the future of drug testing on February 18th, so everything’s probably been solved already.
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